It didn’t really occur to me until after I became silently relient on it that I just lived out of OneDrive during the pandemic. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I stopped scanning my art religiously in 2016, which aligns with a date close to when I was promoted to QA Lead, so I think the pressure just got to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was the only afab QA Lead currently employed at the time, and I had come out as non-binary on the internet as well. Everything was uncomfortable. I was fresh off quitting FF7 after a bad altercation with a person I was training to be my replacement who tried to tell me FF7 House was my fault. I was freshly cracked open, and I tried to fill the discomfort with new things I hope would make me happy, but my baseline had been shifted and I was deeply disturbed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I stopped letting myself slow down to acknowledge the work I did from year to year. I used to be obsessed and intensely proud and protective of my websites until I got my current job, but my current job is so computer and internet that it’s very difficult to bribe myself into doing anything related to websites during my off hours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But that is changing because of the company that owns my company, and I’ve decided not to use myself up so much that there’s nothing left over when I clock out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I want to get back to keeping my own brand, sort through my archives and rebuild the systems I’ve been putting to one side in the name of paying the mortgage. I need to live in the place I pay for. It is my home. I want to make it comfortable. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
OneDrive felt like comfort, and it had me taking so many pictures all of the time, but there was no incentive to organize or sort anything my camera had produced. I posted everything directly to twitter, where it scrolled out of memory so quickly, even my own memory, that it seemed to matter much less.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I feel like I wasted a lot of time, but that’s not the end of the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’m trying to go back to college just to give myself something different, another destination to obligate myself towards, instead of my work from home rig. I do prefer to work from home, but I find that I do miss the comeraderie of seeing people in my office, but I want to put school ahead of my job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When my company was privately owned, I considered myself as having a career. Now that [company redacted] owns us, I might as well work at Wal-Mart, and I need to treat it like the job that it is. It’s not in a position to give back. This machine doesn’t love me enough. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I can be good to myself and my spouse and my friends. I can rebuild my personal community back up around things I can do. I am still capable of bringing good to the world despite the world going all out trying to scare me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I also recently found strength in the thought that I can’t be destroyed in a way that matters, despite being so scared all the time, and bombarded with bad news. If I can’t be destroyed as easily as I’ve been worried about, then there’s less reason to be afraid in general. Even a slight reduction in general “panicked because people are bad to each other and that might include me one day” is a reduction in cortisol eroding my willpower, even if it’s less heroic. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Trying to be a hero has put me in much more real danger just due to the unfair expectations I set on myself and the physical side effects of always being in a panic.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It didn’t really occur to me until after I became silently relient on it that I just lived out of OneDrive during the pandemic. I stopped scanning my art religiously in 2016, which aligns with a date close to when I was promoted to QA Lead, so I think the pressure just got to me. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-583","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/spadenet.net\/shovel\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/583","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/spadenet.net\/shovel\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/spadenet.net\/shovel\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spadenet.net\/shovel\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spadenet.net\/shovel\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=583"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/spadenet.net\/shovel\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/583\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":584,"href":"https:\/\/spadenet.net\/shovel\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/583\/revisions\/584"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/spadenet.net\/shovel\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=583"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spadenet.net\/shovel\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=583"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spadenet.net\/shovel\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=583"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}